Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
