My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
