i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
