You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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