When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
