Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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