drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
