Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
