I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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