cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
