i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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