Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
