I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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