I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
