Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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