I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
