At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
