meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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