apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i drank out of a bidet.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
