I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
