ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
