She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
