Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize