Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
