I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
