I want to walk on stilts...naked
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
