one two three fourrrrnication!
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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