There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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