I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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