last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
