I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
