i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
