he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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