High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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