Please, let me fuck your mom
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
