So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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