Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize