Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
