I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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