The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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