tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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