this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
