She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
