Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
