Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
