What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
