Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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