Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
