I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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