you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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