woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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