I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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