mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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