Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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