OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
