nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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